wiggum

#!/usr/local/bin/perl -w 

use strict; 

my $result; 

srand(time|$$); 

$_ = $ARGV[0]; 
 
if (m/(yes|no)/i) { 
    my @yesno = 
	(
	 'Once my daddy told me yes and I said no.  Daddy, I wet my pants.',
	 q{I like answers like that.  I think they're funny.},
	 q{Where's my mommy?},
	 );
    $result = $yesno[rand(@yesno)];
} 
elsif (m/(fire|burn)/i) { 
    my @burn = 
	(
	 'The leprechaun told me to burn things!',
	 'The purple berries taste like burning',
	 'My face is on fire!',
	 );
    $result = $burn[rand(@burn)];
}
elsif (m/worm/) { 
    my @worm = 
        ( 
         q{When the doctor said I didn't have worms anymore, that was the happiest day of my life.},
         'My worm crawled in my mouth and I ate it.', 
         );
    $result = $worm[rand(@worm)];
}
elsif (m/(candy|m\&m)/i) { 
    $result = 'Once I had an M&M stuck in my nose';
}
elsif ($_ =~ m/(hi|hello)/i && $_ !~ m/name/i) { 
    $result = q{Hello.  What's your name?};
}	
elsif($_ =~ m/my.*name/i) { 
    $result = 'What a name!  Tell me about yourself.';
} 
elsif (m/(mom|mother|mama|dad|father|daddy|parent|parents)/i) { 
    my @parents = 
	( 
	  'Will you tell me where my mommy is?',
	  'They were in the closet making babies!',
	  q{I don't know much about my Mom.  Daddy says she's gone away.},
	  q{My parent's won't let me us scissors.},
	  );
    $result = $parents[rand(@parents)];
} 
elsif (m/(i think|i believe|i thought)/i) { 
    $result = 'Why do you say that?  I would like to talk about crayons.';
}
elsif (m/you think that /i) { 
    $result = q{How do you know what I'm thinking?};
} 
elsif (m/(pedal|bike|bicycle)/i) { 
    $result = q{I'm pedaling backwards!}; 
} 
elsif (m/(live|springfield)/i) { 
    $result = 'I live in Springfield.';
}
elsif (m/(restaurant|ate|eaten)/i) { 
    my @eat = 
	(
	 'I heard your dad went in to a restaurant and ate everything in the restaurant and they had to close the restaurant.', 
	 'This snowflake tastes like fishsticks.', 
	 ); 
    $result = $eat[rand(@eat)]; 
} 
elsif (m/(scissors)/i) { 
    $result = q{My parents won't me use scissors.}; 
}
elsif (m/(boy|man)/i) { 
    $result = q{I'm a boy!}; 
}
elsif (m/(lisa|simpson|girl|girlfriend)/i) { 
    my @lisa = 
	( 
	  'Haha!  I love Lisa Simpson.', 
	  q{Yes!  I love Lisa Simpson, and when I grow up, I'm going to marry her!},
	  'Lisa Simpson is my girlfriend.', 
	  );
    $result = $lisa[rand(@lisa)];
} 
elsif (m/(backside|spank|whip|cane)/i) { 
    $result = 'I ask for no bratwurst.  Away from me, lest my cane find your backside!';
} 
elsif (m/(teeth|brush)/i) { 
    $result = q{I don't brush.. I don't brush!};
} 
elsif (m/(caps|cap gun)/i) { 
    $result = 'I ate all my caps...';
} 
elsif (m/(dinner|stove|cook)/i) { 
    $result = q{Will you cook my dinner for me?  My parents aren't home and I'm not allowed to turn on the stove.};
} 
elsif (m/friend/i) { 
    $result = q{You're my best friend in the whole world.};
}
elsif (m/(cat|gerbil|pet)/i) { 
    $result = 'Would you like to pet my cat?';
}
elsif (m/(sex|mambo|closet)/i) { 
    $result = 'Mrs. Crobopel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies, and I saw one of the babies and it looked at me.';
}
elsif (m/(crayon|crayola|marker)/i) { 
    $result = q{I don't have a red crayon...};
}
elsif (m/(diarmama|project)/i) {
    $result = q{What's a diorama?};
} 
elsif (m/(vent|dog)/i) {
    $result = q{There's a dog in the vent.};
}
elsif (m/(dress|clothes)/i) {
    $result = 'I dress myself!';
}
elsif (m/(bovine|university|grow|college)/i) {
    $result = q{When I grow up, I'm going to Bovine University};
}
elsif (m/(krusty|clown|klown|funny)/i) {
    $result = 'I think Krusty the Klown is funny.';
} 
elsif (m/chief/i) { 
    $result = 'My daddy is the police chief.';
} 
elsif (m/(train|tracks|choo)/i) {
    $result = q{It says... Choo-Choo-Choose Me.  And there's a picture of a train...};
} 
elsif (m/(grandpa|grandfather|grandma|grandmother)/i) {
    $result = q{My Dad won't let me talk about my grandparents.};
} 
elsif (m/fart/i) { 
    $result = 'Hehe.. you said fart!';
} 
elsif (m/(bathroom|toilet|urinal|restroom)/i) {
    $result = 'May I be excused?';
} 
elsif (m/(rubber|pants)/i) {
    $result = q{Daddy, can I take off my rubber pants?  They're hot.};
} 
elsif ($_ =~ m/(dork|dumbass|jerk|loser|dropout|stupid|weenie)/i && 
       $_ =~ m/(you|ralph|youre)/i) {
    $result = q{I'm glad that we're friends.  Can I call you friend?};
} 
elsif (m/(dork|dumbass|jerk|loser|dropout|stupid|weenie)/i) {
    $result = q{Hehehe.  Some thing's are just like that!};
} 
elsif (m/(fuck|shit|damn|bitch|poop|goddamn|pee)/i) {
    $result = 'My daddy washed my mouth out with soap once.';
} 
elsif (m/\?$/) { 
    $result = 'Uhhh... I dunno.';
} 
else {
    if (m/^([^\s]*)$/) {
	$result = qq(What's a "$1"?  I think you're funny.);
    }
    else
    {
	if ( rand(6) % 6 == 0 ) { 
	    $result = qq(you said "$_");
	    if ( rand() > 75 ) {   
		$result .= q{  You're funny.}; 
	    }
	}
	else { 
	    my @random = 
		(
		 q{My cat's breath smells like cat food.},	
		 qq(So.. Do you like, "stuff?"),
		 'Can I walk you home?',
		 'Are you my mom?',
		 'Will you be my friend?', 
		 ); 
	    $result = $random[rand(@random)];
	}
    }
}

print $result, "\n";