title: HAMMERCRAWL! RPG World Bible
author: N. Phillip Cole
started: 2018-04-16
This document serves as a constantly growing guide to the "official" world of the HAMMERCRAWL! RPG. Whenever I run my own games, be they private or recorded, there's always a bit more world establishment that happens as a result, and this master document tracks those new facts. I encourage other players of distant games to likewise add their own lore to this ever-blossoming encyclopedia.
(TBD)
- Filler
- The Great Arrival of Heedron marks the definitive endpoint of the Times of Legend.
Most calendars use the term "CE" (for "Chaos Era") to date the current march of years in a post-Arrival world.
Rough timeline:
- Filler
- The first Lollafairuza music festival is held in the Land of 1997
- Filler
- The great Battle of Jiggleton, a civil war in the land of Jiggleton
- Filler
Rough timeline:
- Filler
- The Unhappiness Purge of '07 in the land of Jiggleton, which resulted in a fourth of the town of Jigglesworth being ruined
- Filler
- Present Day
Unsorted:
- The Eleven Mountain Ranges of Doom
Humans are by far the most vastly-reaching of the so-called "civilized" people.
Notes:
- A type of dwarven miner is a tax collector. They pummel those avoiding collections with pick axes. Tax Collectors ritually shave their beards, but have magnificent mustaches instead.
Notes:
- Dwarves frequently refer to elves using the derogatory term Poops.
(TBD)
Unsorted:
- Goblins are all equivalent in personality to annoying middle school boys.
- Hobgoblins, in turn, are all effectively Bro Teens.
- Bugbears are all effectively swole gym rats.
- Despite their personality issues, the goblins somehow have a massive banking network too, called the Goblin Bank of Wobbly Columns (a nod to comedian Brad Neely).
- Goblins insert the word "Goblin" in front of all names and proper titles, such as "Goblin Clark, the Goblin Cleric of the Goblin God of Goblins." This practice is known to goblins as "Goblin Recognizance."
- In recent times, one of the Great Goblin Kings known as "Goblin Hurkle the Goblin Conqueror of Goblinfoes" disastrously attempted to enforce that in all of goblinhood, the word "Goblin" was worthy of Double Goblin Recognizance. In response to this decree, the rest of the species decided that Enough Was Enough, and Goblin Hurkle's legacy was thankfully a short one.
Unsorted:
- For some reasons, ogres are secretly fetishized in the more remote of Human lands (this is probably due to a certain old pornographer's art zines being distributed to dungeon raiding parties in the Province of Doom). This tends to lead to a number of awkward and ultimately doomed human-ogre romances started via casual encounter scrolls posted on Greg's Listing-boards. These trysts have resulted in a distressing number of single ogre moms and deadbeat human dads, and more than a handful of half-ogre Base Ball teams.
This organized guild of vegetable thieves is one of the most fearsome and powerful thieving collectives in all of the known world. There are secret chapterhouses in every major city, and many of the smaller towns and villages too. A single offense against their trade is a promise of a lifetime of enmity.
The realm of 1996 is a tyrannical dystopia that is barely worth further mention in these records, lest others foolishly deem it an interesting place to visit.
But for the sake of completeness, sigh...
Known Locations:
- Zaramund is a great metropolis, from which all bureaucracy flows.
- The Dread Cyst of Terror, a dungeon in the Cliffs of Terror
Known Personages:
- The Tanners, a mafia-like organization of tanning salon masters
The distant land of 1997 is known for its diverse colleges and it's plethora of Hottest Topics general stores. The region has a reputation for being a good starting point for many displaced teenaged would-be adventurers, most of which find new adventuring parties at the annual Lollafairuza alternative music festival.
The denizens of 1997 harbor a particular enmity with the denizens of neighboring kingdom 1996.
Known Settlements:
- Bee Town
Known Dungeons:
- The Black Lair of the Vampire Count
- The Forsaken Chambers of the Vampire Count
- The Pit of Tenebrous Worms
Known Personages:
- The Vampire Count, a notoriously sexy but heinously douchey Vampire that all the college students of 1997 want to bang.
- Philibertus the Vicious, long dead heinous uncle of the Vampire Count. Philibertus died choking on a pudding.
- The Bad Dragon, who is in fact a very bad dragon.
- Bad Biscuits is a boy band popular in the realm. Their first album was called "Pot Pies."
- Travel Ossa-Tee is a group of honorable wandering adventurers that help safely guide other adventuring parties to their destinations.
Far, far, far to the north lies the dismal and cold Province of Doom.
Known Locations:
- The Eleven Mountain Ranges of Doom
- The Sepulchre of Gino, a dungeon within the ranges
- The Twice-Damned Peaks of Doom, site of an ancient city of evil long ago smackethed down by The Gods (TM)
Important note: "Doom" in the ancient languages just means "snow"
The Town of Doom is built at the Crossroads of Doom. Home of the Gatharbar, where many adventurers gather to begin their doomy expeditions
A land of unbridled and strongly-enforced Cheer, ruled by the grimly smiling Church of Bouncey the Clown.
The capital city of Jiggleton, and central home of the Church of Bouncey.
Some notes:
- Two of the known ruling noble families are the rival dwarven clans of Jiggles and Squiggles. Both clans fought against each other in the great Battle of Jiggleton.
- One fourth of the "old town" was ruined during the Unhappiness Purge of '07, and no one ever got around to rebuilding it. It stands in complete shambles as a reminder of the grim hilarity of life, or something like that. As further punctuation to that joke, dungeons now abound underneath it. One such dungeon, the Secret Chambers of Evil, is a known entrance to the legendary mega-dungeon known as the Wagoncrawl.
Known Locations:
- The Town of Testament
- The Barrow of Evil, a dungeon
- The Great Barrow of Evil, a dungeon
- The Dread Barrow of Evil, a dungeon
Testament is a town located in the Provice of Ted. Key notes:
This town is most known in the local Legend of Pabrycyg, a local minor deific figure. Pabrycyg was a husky puppy that sacrificed itself to save some families or something like that. His petrified body is on display in town as a statue of great local fame and respect.
Known Personages:
- Mayor Chuck Testa
- Yelp the town crier, named as such because he is literally unable to speak softly.
Known settlements:
- Eelgrove village, rival town to Fishwood
- Fishwood Village, rival town to Eelgrove
Known regions:
- Razorfin Hills
Known dungeons:
- The Dread Tunnels of Ruin, aka the Tax Offices of Fishwood, ruled by the dreaded Supreme Clerk "Trinkleshy Dangermuscles" and her two Hench-Clerks, "Obsidian Gash" and "Pipes Cloverhaze."
- The Temple of Cruel Devastation, a dungeon in the Razorfin hills which offers limited-issue day passes so groups don't over-crowd it.
(TBD)
A few popular bands from the times:
- Scumbeard Beetlesquawk and the Demon Prince Obscenities were a popular Under-Ground Rocks band about 200 years ago.
Base-Ball is the most popular sport in the lands.
Misc notes on play:
- Two teams play against each other.
- Each team has two Murder Pillars, upon which climbs a Murder Lizard, which is chained to the pillar.
- Slam Dunking is popular with the larger players.
- Only the shortest player of any team is allowed to actively tackle during a defensive play. This highly controversial rule is held over from the earliest days of the sport, and although no one remembers why it was written that way, it is still enforced today by purists who refuse to alter the "sacred tenets" of the first players.
- The shortest-defender rule was eventually modified after years of bickering and argument, due to increased loophole abuse, which ultimately led to the infamous "halfling packing" scandal of '55. Following that terrible season, officials ruled that each team was allowed only one "token dwarf" player, designated as a "Short-Stop" position. All other players would from then on be required to conform to minimum height standards of exactly 6 feet 3 inches.
Known player positions:
- The Short-Stop. This is because they are bound by rules to only go after the shortest currently-active player on the opposing team. This has led to teams padding their ranks with "token dwarves" in order to keep their opponents' Short-Stops busy.
- The Bob-Sledder: You get pulled on a sled to safe bases by a guy named Bob.
- Kill Angel: Undefined
Notes of History:
- There was a season-killing "halfling packing" scandal in '55, resulting in rules updates requiring minimum heights and the new "token dwarf" Short-Stop position.
- There was a "boulder juicing" scandal in '72.
Bouncey is the great clown god, forcing cheer down your throat whether you want it or not.
Carob creates an abundance of healthy, tasteless chalk-like food for all that would worship him. Carob is the sworn enemy of Fireguy.
Created as an off-hand comment in a dungeon session, this Goddess remains to be defined. I heard she likes bees...
A haughty and snooty deity who sends his loyal clerics into dungeons to divine new fashion styles from the damned souls of the ancient dead.
Fairuza Balk is the name given to the loving Goddess of the Elements, the primary chosen patron of angsty rebellious teenage girls who feel the calling of the clerical ways. Fairuza is an especially popular Goddess in the distant land of 1997, where the locals pay a grand annual tribute to her in the form of the Lollafairuza music festival.
Fireguy rules from the great deific city of Tastytown, in the legendary holy lands of Scrumpt. His clerics serve the best food, and love setting things on fire.
Fireguy is sworn enemy of Carob.
Fireguy's clerics are known to bleach their hair to bring them closer to their god. The truly devout sometimes set their hair on fire.
Gary is a prolific god in the world. His symbol is a Bell. His holy text is a Taco Bell receipt, preserved from the long-before times.
There are four "Ways" of the Church of Gary, based on the original items in the receipt.
The Churches of Gary frequently house 24-step recovery programs, which have proven excellent sources of would-be adventurers for furthering Gary's causes.
Main Belief: To Be perfect, one must be Fresh
A splinter sect that left the orthodox church of Gary after discovering what they refer to as the New Accords of Freshness, buried in ancient debris very close to the original site of Gary's first testament. They are known to live by The Freshness, so much so that some cells of this sect have chosen the lifestyle of paleo-cannibalism.
(TBD)
Main Belief: "You must be Soft on the outside, but Crunchy on the inside."
(TBD)
Main Belief: "You eat the chip you picked."
(TBD)
Main Belief: (currently undefined)
(TBD)
(TBD)
The God Gluten directs his followers to carry forth and Break Bread with the holy, and to destroy all that dares to be gluten-free.
Everyone except the goblins knows that The Great Goblin God of Goblins is actually just a Halfling in a really awful Goblin mask, but no one has had the heart to tell the Goblins yet, and they’d probably just ritually murder the messenger anyway.
Clerics of the Great Yellow Canary are best known for the giant yellow-feathered bird suits they wear over their armor. Canary Clerics wander the lands, bringing education to children and warring against corporate product placement in dungeons far and wide. The highest-level clerics of the order often ride invisible elephants into battle against the enemies of education.
Heedron is the omni-faced randomizer of the universe, great equalizer of the times, Jester at the Gates of Certainty.
Heedron's arrival in this dimension firmly marks the end of "ancient" times, and the beginning of the current Crawling Era. Following the appearance of Heedron in the great cosmology, New Gods of Sudden Whim began to ascend, resulting in the increasingly-diminished reverance of the older pre-Heedron deities.
(TBD; mentioned in Wagoncrawl 2018 Episode #3)
Local Gods, Folk Deities, etc.
(TBD)
A legendary local husky puppy that sacrificed itself to save human lives. There’s a statue to it in town that some folks pray at. The statue of course is of the horrible burned and mutilated dead body of the dog, because that’s what you do.
A collection of details on some of the more interesting and unique flora and fauna of the HAMMERCRAWL! game world.
A collection of details on the more notable dungeons of the world.
A new mega-dungeon found in a distant land, waiting to be plundered of its riches...
A legendary mega-dungeon, said to connect to many (if not all) dungeons across the known world.
Known entrances:
- The Secret Chambers of Evil, underneath the town of Jigglesworth, in the land of Jiggleton